It was the best of times, It was the worst of times.
An erotic opera by nathan smithe.
M=Meaty McMeat R=Ralph McMutt S=Spleeny Mcspleen L=Lungy Mcbutter V=Vinny Mcventricle C=Count McChocolatte B=Barry McButtcancer
-t-h-e—b-e-g-i--n-n-i-n-g---------------------------------------------------------
M: well, here we are. The meaty mcmeat show. And Im your host. Meaty mcmeat. That's my name. Huh huh huh. And this is my show. So here I go. (pause) Uhh.. err. Let's see... well, I'm broadcasting to you today from a park and -hey look at that guy!
<Man/bird drives by on a bike naked.>
R: Hey you sure you dont want a bun for your weiner misseur? Ya freak! Im gunna call the cops!
<Man/bird sticks his tounge out at ralph and razzeberrys him, ralph is upset and launches in a series of vulgarity>
M:(as R continues muttering) That's Ralph McMutt. He runs a hot dog stand in the park.
R: Hey, Hey, Are you talking about moi? What are you saying, huh?
M: Uhh.. nothing, sir.
R: That's right because if you were talking about moi I'd come over there and shove a live aligator (which he pulls out of hot dog machine) down your pathetic excuse for a face, you swine!
M: Right, then. <Spleeny Mcspleen approaches>
S: (muttering) Youd shove something down his face
R: What was that you just said?
S: (spleeny and meaty are hiding smiles) Nooothin' man. Go back to your hot dog stand work. (mutters) ya wiener handler (meaty and spleent snicker)
R: Why dont you say what you have to say to my face!
S: (snickers) Hey man, where are your pants?
R: .. Huh oh thanks for reminding me, I was washing them (pulls pants out of hotdog stand and puts them on)
M: This is my good friend Spleeny McSpleen. You're always up to some kind of mischief. That's right. I remember when I first met you. It was just like yesterday. In fact, it was yesterday...
<<goes off to dream sequence>
<meaty is sitting alone when spleeny walks up <note: more blinks are scattered to stretch out the moment>
S: Hey.
M: Hey.
<spleeny blinks twice, meaty blinks>
<<end>
M: But anyway, what are you up to today?
S: Im going to go "hang" by the irrigation ditch. Got some unfinished buisness to take care of. (then thinks to himself: Buisness that may hold the fate of the ENTIRE WORLD!)
M: (Pause). Well, great!
S: Yeah but I want to wish you luck on your show meaty. Don't forget man, yer hardcore!
M: Thanks, spleeny.
S: Keep it real. (thinks: There's something about him, his force is strong, but I just dont think he should get involved. No, that'd be too dangerous. He's not properlly trained. Also its a good thing he cant hear what Im thinking. That would be bad. I could sure go for some raw cookie dough right about now. MMMm.)
<Spleeny walks off>
M: Bye bye, Spleeny. Spleeny Mcspleen folks.
<Lungy Mcbutter hops up to Meaty and coughs snot>
M: Well, what do you know. Two friends in a row. This is Lungy Mcbutter, my good friend. Hows it going today, Lungy.
L: Not bad. I think I'm sick (coughs snot)
M: That's pretty.. gross!
L: I know, here watch this
<Lungy blows a big snot bubble>
M: Hey.. is that stone cold steve austin?
L: Right, now guess this one.. <blows more>
M: Is it.. juan miro, pesonage throwing a rock at a bird?
L: (snorts) yes, and for the finale.
<Blows bubble so big that it reaches over Ralph's hot dog stand and ralph shrieks as it explodes>
M: <while snot is dripping off both of them> That's was very good!
L: Thanks (snorts) I've been practicing.
R: You sick little jiblet! I'll get you for this!
L: (smirk)What are you going to do, huh?
R: I'm going to sick this aligator on your pathetic excuse for a face! <pulls out alligator from hot dog stand>
L: (*shrieks*) see ya meaty!
<Lungy runs off>
M: Lungy Mcbutter, folks. Lungy Mcbutter.
<Meaty turns to ralph>
M: You know, I'd appreciate it uhh.. if you didn't scare people away, they're guests on my show
R: <Pulls out aligator> What was that??
M: Nothing!
R: That's right.
M: (Nervous laughter) sigh.
M: Well, folks, it's time to take some letters from our fans in a segment I call, "Meaty's People".
<Intro graphics and tune, "Meaty's People">
M: That's right. Our first letter is from Cynthia Petmeister of Buttwax, Wisc. who writes, "Meaty is my favorite.. thing. Where did you come from? Love, Cynthia." <Meaty blinks for a dramatic pause> Thanks for writing cynthia. I have some footage of well, when I came to be, as it were.
<Normal operation room sceen with some doctors and a dead patient.>
Doctor: and you make an incision here, and here, AHH! <Others exclaim similarly> <zoom into stomache where meaty is sitting amongst other organs, blood, muscle and fat. Meaty begins bobbing and sings a medly of 'deep in the heart of texas' and 'twinkle twinkle little star' as people are running away in terror, after they clear out they turn the lights off hes still singing, after he gets stumped on the lyrics he says, "Hello?">
M: I hope that answers your question, Cynthia. Our next letter is from Gerald "Jo-Jo" Finster Buckmeister Hearsly the 3rd from Sheboygan, Miss. who writes, "I live in a straw hat. When people walk past my hat I declare, I AM JO-JO THE TERRIBLE, FEEL MY WRATH! I also eat soap. Do you like basketballs?". <Meaty pauses, puts on smart looking glasses> Jo-jo, thank you for writing. Some people may say you're crazy, but I say that you're O-K. You're meaty's people. In responce to your question, I never met a basketball I didn't like. In fact, on a cool autumn afternoon in febuary I can be seen befriending basketballs.
<Meaty is running towards basketball, and basketball towards him in love sceen spoof through a beach, they circle in love and when meaty goes into kiss it cuts to black. or possibly cuts to anal front view, meaty packing it in.>
M: Yeah!
M: Our next letter is of or by cindy margolois of renfield, south dakota and she writes, "dear meaty, you are so cool. what do you usually do with your day? love cindy." Well, cindy, thanks for writing. My day usually starts out-
<Meaty is running through a park like a bat out of hell, screaming ahhhh!>
M: (voice over)-At 6:15 AM when I go out for a brisk job.
<As Meaty continues to run and scream it is revealed that a giant scary crow is chasing after him, as it passes it CAWs really loud and echoey (evil)>
M: (voice over) Those birds can be pretty viscious. Afterwards, I like to help out at the local retirement museum. <view of museum> It's where old art goes to when they retire. At any given day you can see the likes of old reubens and hoppers playing shuffleboard or cribbage. I like volunteering here because I appreciate the wisdom the art here has to offer <meaty is seen listening to a blathering egon shelling painting with alzheimers in a wheelchair.>
M: Today i'm cleaning the rain gutters. Weeeee! Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.
<Meaty continutes to vaccuum rain gutters on roof of retirement museum until his vaccuum sucks something big and clunks out.>
M: Hmm.. something must be stuck in there. Let me see.. <Unzips bag to reveal to little blinking eyes>
M: <shot from inside bag looking back out at meaty as he creeps in and asks> h-h-Hello? <Quick zoom into meaty reacting> Ahhh!
<Meaty runs off as giant crow emerges from bag and Caws evily as it is nearly out Meaty jumps off roof onto a painting walking with a walker who exclaims, "Oy Fakashta!">(meaty cleans it up by shoving it under the house.)
<Shot of meaty at a bus stop looking bored -blinking->
M: (voice over) After the retirement museum, I usually hang out at a bus stop.
M: Exitin' isn't it?
<Bus comes in front of camera and meaty and stops. As it leaves we see that a giant evil crow has just gotten off and is looking intently at meaty. There is a pause for comedic timing. Meaty slowly looks over to crow who blinks. Several cuts between the two staring blankly at each other. looking at both Crows wings go up and then close in on the crow it makes a very loud "monster" sound, then both are seen but meaty is fleeing expidently.>
M: <In bath> (voice over) After a long days work I like to relax with a bubble bath. <Small yet extensively mocking bath scene> <Black head of bird slowly emerges from other side of bath>
M: Huh?
<Bird quickly and suprisingly emerges. Meaty panicks and lets a load go. bubbles surface imcrinatingly close to him>
M: Uhh-huh-huh, sorry.
<Crow goes to caw but mid caw it turns into cough gag, and it puts its wing over its beak and runs off from the stink>
M: (Voice over) Boy, that's a mess you don't want to clean up <As the voice over concludes meaty is slowly submerging himself into the dirty bath tub and bubbles continue as he gets past his face>
M: <Comes back up, chewing> Mmm.. peanuts. <Spits them out machine gun style which makes holes in the wall that bleed.>
M: <Back at the park> So there you have it, cindy. I hope that answers your question. Thanks for writing. Well that about wraps up "Meatys people." If you would like to write to me and become one of "meatys people" send your letters to flub-blah-blah-flib-flab (corresponding address looks indesipherably written with crayons) or email blublublublu@blublu.fluh (end showing the meaty's people sign with jingle)
<Lungy and Spleeny walk up to meaty, spleeny is carring a shrivled voodoo head>
M: Hey guys! It's Lungy McButter <lungy coughs> and Spleeny McSpleen, and it looks like you've got something. What's that?
S: Isn't this cool? I found it near the irrigation ditch. It's a shrunken head, I was thinking we could play toss-the-shrunken-head.
M: Brilliant idea, Spleeny!
S: Naturally.
<Spleeny Lungy and Meaty run off into a big field and start tossing the head to each other. Meaty tosses to lungy, who tosses to spleeny and tosses to meaty who tosses back to spleeny to lungy back to meaty. Vinny Mcventricle sees them alltogether playing from afar and approaches.>
V: Hey.. guys.
S: <rolls eyes> Looks like the parties over.
M: Hey vinny. <looks at camera> That's Vinny Mcventricle. He's can be kind of.. (lost for words)
L: Kind of a pain in the ass <hocks phlegm>
V: Hey guys, so whatcha doin?
S: (Sigh) we're playing toss the shrunken head.
V: Hey, So.. can I play too?
<Lungy and spleeny look at meaty>
M: Err.. I guess so.
S: (sarcastically) Oh boy, here we go.
<Meaty begins to toss to spleeny who tosses to lungy>
V: Pass it over here, I'm open guys.. guys.. c'mon, guys.
<They continues to pass to each other with less enthusiastic looks on their faces>
<Eventually vinnys braying becomes so obnoxious that meaty reluctantly (with some thought) tosses the head over to vinny. It flys in slo-mo as vinny is seen saying in slo-mo voice, "guys.." as the head reaches vinnys destination he tries to catch it but flinches and it drops to the ground.
S: Way to go you got the head all dirty <close up of the head reveals that it's a maggot infested rotting flesh anyway>
S&L: (mockingly) ah dude, you dropped it man! That's not how you play the game!
V: Time out, guys, athsma! time out, guys.. (fakes breathing problems)
S: Sucks to your ass-mar.
<Meaty approaches vinny, sadly, and picks up head while vinny is still faking breathing problems and saying time out, athsma>
M: (to vinny, somberly) Maybe .. you should sit this one out.
<Vinny looks pathetically devistated on the verge of tears. as he begins to walk away the other three begin playing again happily like they were before vinny arrived. Vinny looks back to watch them alltogether, laughing happy>
V: <Walking through dark area of park> Who needs those jerks, huh. Stupid bunch of jerks. I'll show them <Possibly place for a musical song about loneliness>
<Rustling in bushes>
V: Huh? Who's that? Hello?
<masked figure is seen in dark behind bushes. Camera lurches towards vinny and the figure in dark emerges as no other than Count Mcchoculatte>
V: Count McChocolatte! (Dramatic musical overtone) but I thought you were dead!
C: Yes, it is I, Count McChocolatte. Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead. Yes, I used to be a popular mascot for Beldge, a popular coffee flavored cereal.
V: I remember the slogan, Chock full of heart racing chemicals and shit.
C: <Eyes closed in gleeful rememberance> <takes a deep breath> Yes.
V: But after a study on the long term effects of consuming sledge was published in scientific american proving that Bledge caused severe birth defects like babies being born without arms.
C: Accually it was after newsweek picked the story up, nobody reads scientific american. But who cares about a couple of freaks are born with out arms or heads. A couple of flipper babies pbsshhh. I mean it was a kid cereal, nobody was supposed to find out about that until later. Several years later, when I had already cashed in my stock options. I had a portfolio! 401K! The works! But now its all gone. I might as well be dead. Nobody loves me anymore. Stupid bastards! I'll kill them! I'll kill them all!
V: <looks bored and begins to walk away>
C: Eh, wait, kid. I couldn't help but overhear your problem. I know a way you could get back at your friends for being such dickweeds.
V: Oh yeah? How is that?
C: Like this! <does dramatic vampire thing before they bite and then bites vinny>
V: Ahhahahahah
C: Now that I have bitten you you have become one of my mindless zombie minions and I will use you to lure your friends out here and I will suck their blood too and turn them into zombies, and that is how you will get back at them. HA! HA!
V: Haaaaaaaaa (drools)
C: (laughs with forced timing) HA! HA-HA! HA, Ha Ha haaaaa (cough) ha ha
V: ahahhhhhh funnnnyyy.
C: HA HA AH MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. yes. Righto then. Cheerio <wipes a tear from his eye>
<Meanwhile (batmanesque transition)>
<Meaty, Lungy and Spleeny are huddled together>
L: Ready, guys?
S: Ready!
M: Ready!
LSM: <begin spinning around ring around the posie style> (concentratingly) aaahhhhhhhhhh!
<they stop and meaty throws the shrunken head up as far as he can throw. a long shot shows how high the head flies and it lands very near where meaty threw it>
M: Yeah!
<The head sits as they run in a line and jump over it back and forth. They all run up and stop behind it and pose>
LSM: (like a musical finale) yeahhhhhhh..
M: <after exitement has died down from the little song and dance> don't go away folks, the meaty mcmeat show will be right back after these [fake] commercial advertisements.

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Come to angry joes fried chicken and gun emporium, where waiters will ruthlessly mock you until you feel like killing yourself. The best chicken in the upper middle sesketchewan valley. Angry joes.

M: And were back! Alright, well playing toss the shrunken head was fun, huh huh! (goes off on a 2 minute laughing spree that wierds his friends out)
S: hey, meaty.
M: Yeah?
S: Why do you do that?
M: Do what?
S: Laugh for minutes at a time? Its kind of weirding us out.
L: Yeah. Yeah that's right. It's WEIRD, man.
M: Well, I'm not really sure.. hmm..
S: Can you think why you'd force yourself to be happy?
M: Hmm.. I'd have to think..
(goes off into deam sequence)
Meaty is running through park.
M: (murmuring impatiently to himself) I must do good things... frolick through the roses.. chase a butterfly.. I must frolick around as though I was happy or else I will remember that one dreadful day.. (dream sequence of car driving breakneckedly, shot of little meaty screaming) Oh no I remembered a little bit! I must hurry.. uhhh.. give money to the homeliess. Uh oh! I tripped on a rock! Ow! My toe. Oh no! Its coming back to me! (dream sequence young meaty is screaming while his dad is driving. His dad runs over several roadkill never slowing down a bit much to little meaty's chagrin.. fade to black
<Shot of meaty back in story opening eyes>
S: Wow! So your father's ruthless driving may have cause a childhood tramau that haunts you to be nice to people
L: Dude, yer fucked up, man.
M: (looking dazed) All this psychoanalysis of my repressed childhood traumas has made me thirsty. Lets go to the bar for a drink.
L: OK! OH wait..stop the party
<zombie vinny shows up and looks stupid. A strange pause while they are gadging zombie vinnys new personna.>
S: Hey, you've changed man, I think I like you now. You used to be such a braying obnoxious idiot, now your .. more subdued.
V: Bblloooooodddddd.
L: And a comedian too!
M: C'mon, lets all go to the bar! Foursome skip off singing , "fa la la la" all the way except vinny who is drooling. But he says "fa" once and they cheer him on, "that's the spirit, etc." is offered. They skip off over the hill into the sunset. A man in a masterpiece theatre spoof voices over, "and they all lived happily ever after" as "The End" comes up the screen. He folds the book which the end frame faded into. And takes a puff from his bubble pipe. Meaty races back from over the hill and yells knocking on the book that the dude opens to see
M: Hey! Who are you? This story isn't over. Not by a longshot bub.
Man in masterpiece theatre spoof: Oh. Jolly good then.
M: C'mon follow me.
<Meaty is racing down the highway. It is seen for a bit and soon several bugs begin to whack onto his eyes and splutter guts about. Eventually he raises his tounge up as a windshield wiper in a heavily sound effected sequence. Ratfinky homage drives by: "I like him, he's silly." and speeds off. Meaty eventually drives off and is then in front of bar.>
M: Here we are.. <walks into bar. Walks up to where lungy spleeny and vinny are sitting.>
L: (drinking a beer)Hey, Meaty, we were wondering when you were going to show up.
S: Yeah.
M: Sorry, I made a wrong turn near ablikerky.
S: Oh yeah. I hate that particular junction!
L: Ha Ha You said Junction!
S: Yeah.. I did, didn't I. It must be the alcohol. It has a tendincy to bring out the periphrastic nature in me.
M: Ive never drunken with a saucy verbose man before. I'll have what he's drinking!
Bartender's arm hands vinny a huge shot glass.
M: I've n-n-never drinken hard alcohol before.
S: Give it a shot
L: Yeah dont be a wuss.
V: WWWWwwwwwuuuussss.
L: Heh heh. You're a riot, vinny.
V: <stares for a bit. Head of count mcChocolatte pops up and reminds Vinny. Remember, send your friends to me, so you can get your revenge! Vinny furrows brow>
M: Here goes. (Drinks whole shot, blinks, coughs)
S: Meaty? Are you ok?
<Meaty looks glazed. It is seen from meatys blurred perspective that everyone talking to him sounds like garbled muttering. He goes off into la la land)
V: (slowly) I heard.. they're giving out free tickets to see (thinks) O-town in the woods.
L: wow, o-town, they're my favorite! (sings ravaged j-lo tune)
S: We dont have time for shenanigans like o-town right now. I think meaty is getting sick.
M: (turning green, his eyes are spinning around strangily)(slurred) I feel fine.. Just fine.. Ill be ok. I think Ill just go get some fresh air. Ill be ok. (as meaty is walking off it is seen from his perspective that everything is a big freaky hallucination. His eyes close and everything goes to black. He is seen, waking up hungover looking like shit the next day on his bench. His eyes blur but focus to two dark figures who turn out to be spleeny and lungy watching him)
M: I feel.. sick.
L: You look sick (spits something up)
S: We weren't sure if you'd be okay.
M: What..What happened?
L: You mean you dont remember?
M: (blinks) it's all blur.
S: You got trashed last night... blitzed! Hammered! Drunk!
L: Yeah! It was awesome..
<shot of night before.. meaty is stumbling through bar. He spots hot cod and whips it out>
L: (voice over) First you exposed your self in public, and then you pooped in a mans boot, and he was going to kick your ass, but you ate him!
M: (serious.) What?
S: You ate a cowboy.
M: No! Your kidding!
(Lungy looks at spleeny)
L: No joke, man.
M: This is aweful. I can't believe I ate someone.
S: Yeah I know.
L: Maybe.. you could try to puke him back up.
S: Hey that sounds like a good idea (wink wink)
L: Thank you.
M: Yes.. that's what I have to do. Stand back, This may get messy.
(lungy and spleeny step back)
M: Here I go. (Meaty goes on a several minute puking sequence, he pukes everything and the kitchen sink but no cowboy. By the end when he's hocking up dry heaves, lungy and spleeny have busted up laughing and are falling into eachother rolling on the ground. )
M: Hey! There's no cowboy! You guys duped me!
L: Ha Ha! I know.
S: I can't believe you fell for out joke! You're the greatest, meaty.
M: The oldest trick in the book. Tricking someone to puke up their guts by convincing them that they ate someone in a drunken fit.
L: I know. Its killing me! Ha hahah
M: (scorned look) Laugh it up, fellas. Enjoy the moment. Ill remember this. You'll get your someday.
S&L: OK! HA HA HA H AH AHAAHAHHAHA Looks like you had some corn!
M: Ill show you two. Think your so funny.
(S&L finish up laughing and are catching their breath, a tear in their eye)
L: Whew. Ahhuhhuhuh.
M: Hrmph. (looks terse)
L: well, I guess I'm going to go see about those free tickets to O-town.
S: Yes. I have some unfinished buisness to finish as well.
M: Ill see you bastards later.
L: Later, meaty
S: Later.
M: Whoo. Well, this would be a good place to talk to you kids about drugs. Don't do drugs kids. Drugs are bad. Gather around and listen to unlce meaty. I'm going to tell you a story. <fade to past-dream-sequence>
M: (voice over) The other day I was minding my own buisness when ralph mcmutt decided to play a joke on me.
R: Here. Meaty's favorite, rat on a stick, but Ill fill it full of smack and exstacy. Heh heh heh. Won't this be a good laugh, eh. Hah hah hah.
R: Meaty.
M: Oh, hi.. Ralph. Whats up?
R: Here, meaty, as a token of our freindship (smiles) I will give to you a free rat on a stick, your favorite, no? (smiles)
M: (walking over to ralph) You've never been nice to me before. Maybe this is the new leaf for you.
R: Uh yeah. Whatever. (smiles)
M: I do have a weakness for rat on a stick, (licks chops) Thanks!
R: Eat it all up!
M: (tosses rat on stick back)
R: Ho ho ho.. stupid american swine.
M: Woah. I feel weird. Whats happening. (it is seen from meatys view that the world is getting all trippy and acidy) I'm the lizard man of the french embassy!
<flash back to meaty in real show>
M: So take it from me kids. Drugs are bad. And always say no to strangers. Don't be like me, kids. Dont be like meaty. This has been a public service announcement by yours truly, meaty mcmeat (lame corporate "DRUGS R BAD!" graphics and jingle) (fade to black)

<Fade in to meaty>
M: Welcome back, folks! heh heh heh (CU) HEH HEH HEH. Yeah! That's right. I have a special guest today, Bob. He's canadian, so I'll have to speak slow. (bob blinks). HOW ARE YOU TODAY, BOB? (bob blinks, shifts his weight). YOU MUST EAT A LOT OF CARROTS. (CU bob) CARROTS! BOB? CAN YOU HEAR ME? (Bob blinks) HABLAS INGLES?? (pause as bob and meaty blink)
M: WRESTLE ANY GRIZZLY BEARS LATELY?
Bob: the wots got a took on, eh?
M: SO YOU DO SPEAK EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SAYING! JESUS!
(jesus pops up "did somebody call me? Meaty: nothing jesus: I'll be at the salad bar then (pulls secret tray from his robe.. heh heh heh)
(bob blinks)
M: ERRHHHH SO DO YOU LIKE HOCKEY?
Bob: well, hallo dolly, eh?
M: AHHHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT! (bites bob's head off and he bleeds profusely and flops to the ground.)
M: Now it's time for a song! (sings song: Chickens will peck out your eyeballs with animation of evil chickens pecking out peoples eyeballs)
M: Yeahhhh! That's was fun! That's right! Don't go away kids The Meaty Mcmeat show will be right back after these important messages.

<Man is eating cereal>
Man: Do you know me? Did my wife send you? How should I know you're not one of them? Huh? Well then.. c'mere. Closer, closer.. closer.. closer.. there. Aliens are out there man. There all like PSHHH WAW GA HWAAA PSHOO GONG WIZZO! That's why I wear uncle hartforts anti-alien underwear (reveals aluminum type speedo) Just because the aliens are out there doesn't meant they can find out whats going on in your trousers. (Jingle) now in child sizes(shot of little baby audience aws and coos)! Because some things are just best left letting the aliens not know about.

Coming for one week only at the polly schnitzer community theatre hall, Erotic paper clip sculptures. See your favorite paper clips doing things you never even imagined, unless your some kind of sick pervert and then you'll be in for a good show anyway! James philborne of the southeastern times calls it, "Good old fun, bring your grandparents!" Erotic Paper clip sculpture.. more fun than a lobotomy. (man with lobotomy seen drooling, falls over, several people gather around and kick him)

M: We're back folks! Yeah! That's right! This time I got a much better guest than bob. miserable no good kanuck.
(shot of bob's body in garbage can with blood, seagulls pecking at him. Ralph comes over, looks around and drags bob out smiling, and takes him to his store. puts up sigh, "Bobdogs 25cents")
M: He's sold more than a bazillion records worldwide and spread much information in the fight for vegtable rights. Brocolli Iglesias!
Br: Thank you, Meaty. Glad to be here.
M: Let me just say what a pleasure it is to have some decent conversation on the show.
Br: Well, thank(gets cut off)
M: You should have seen the last guest! What a nightmare! What a right bastard!
Br: Hmm.. yes.
M: I took care of him.
(Person buys a "Bobdog" from ralph's stand)
M: But anyway. So tell me about your latest album.
Br: Well, with so many previous records gone double and triple platinum, we wanted to do something different. And I was walking on the beach near my mansion, when I saw a cormorant.
M: I see. And that's where you got the idea for your latest album, 23 songs about cormorants.
Br: Well, accually I got the idea driving in my buick lemans a week later, but that's beside the point.
M: So.. what is this album about really?
Br: well, it's 23 songs. about cormorants.
M: Really?
Br: Yes.
M: Fascinating.
Br: thank you.
M: Do any other waterfowl make it into the album?
Br: Eh.. not really.
M: No penguins? No terns? No albatroses?
Br: Just cormorants, meaty. Just cormorants.
M: Not even a single pufin?
Br: No.
M: Yellow tailed blackbird?
Br: Firstly, The yellow tailed blackbird isn't a waterfowl and secondly it is not in my new album.
M: Fascinating. You know an aweful lot about birds. Why is that?
Br: Well, you see.. my mother was a pigeon. And my father was a Grouse. My parents are birds.
M: And you are.. in fact.. a piece of brocoli.
Br: Yes.
M: Fascinating. Just fascinating.
(shot exchange between the two wierdos)
Br: Would you like me to sing a bit from the new album?
M: I'd like that very much.
Br: (lights dim) Dive, dive, brave cormorant. Dive dive dive. but dont stay down too long or your feathers will get soaked and you will catch a cold (audience applause, tosses flowers) Thank you, thank you.
M: Brocoli Iglesias Folks! How about that! The albums in stores now! Thanks for being on the show brocoli.
Br: The pleasure was all mine. (walks away).
M: Well wasn't that great. (starts to figit) Aw geezit man. I gotta take a leak. Uhh.. take over sticky (brings out stick with ugly makeup and face). Sticky Mcstick, folks. Now I gotta go for a sec. heh heh heh. be right back! (whishes off set at breakneck pace)
(Runs up to public room which has a big closed sign on it)
M: (Fidgiting) Well, if that don't beat all! (races off)
(front shot of meaty racing frantically)
M: Must find.. bathroom!
(Meaty races past a bush, and two seconds later peers back, aha! a shot closer to the bush as he goes behind it, semi-secluded, unzipps and begins to take a leak. )
M: Oh yeah. That's the magic happening, right here (begins to make a puddle in front of bush. Several people walk by and slip and fall into the puddle. one person comments, its sticky, smells like grandma, etc.) after meatys done, he sees mess of people and whistles as he shoves them, all except for a dangling hand under the "rug" which is the ground beneath the bush)
<Meaty returns to his bench. Sticky McStick is missing.
M: Oh no! Sticky McStick!
<Count McChocolatte jumps out from behind bench>
M: (misunderstanding that count mcchocolatte is evil he's all happy) Oh! Hey! It's Count McChocolatte! Welcome to the Meaty Mcmeat show! I'm meaty Mcmeat! Yeah! That's right!
C: No! That's not how you're supposed to act at all!
M: I'm not?
C: No! Because it is I who has abducted your precious sticky mcstick!
M: Oh no!
C: That's right, and if you ever want to see him again you'll have to let me bite you!
M: You want to.. bite me?
C: Uhh err.. yes.
M: GASP!
C: Mwhahahahahahah. (goes to bite meaty but a laser zaps him, he turns into a bat and flaps away) You havent seen the last of me mwhahahahahahah.
S: (Holding laser gun) Are you ok?
M: Yes. Thankfully you got here in time. Where did you get that laser gun?
S: Uhh.. its a standard issue for .. spleens.
M: Oh I see.
S: <(thinking) "He mustn't find out my secrets. No. I couldn't involve him that deeply."> Well now that you're ok I have to go. I have some unfinished buisness to take care of.
M: Ok. Be well, good friend.
S: See ya
(short fade out, in)
M: Oh, sticky.
(pip drops by)
P: Hey meaty, why do you look so sad?
M: Oh hi, Pip. My best pal sticky mcstick got kidnapped. That's why I'm so sad.
P: Kidnapped? Why dont you just go get him back.
M: It's not that easy pip, you see sticky was kidnapped by a vampire.
P: So?
M: Who's also a washed up cereal mascot. He's dangerous.
P: Ohhh.. but I believe in you meaty. Don't you have any super powers?
M: I'm a pretty ordinary fellow, pip.
P: You sure you don't have gigantic neutron guns and shoot lasers out of your eyes and go (moves up near camera) Pssss BANG Eoooo! ratatatatatta PLSHHHH BOW!
M: neutron guns?
P: Yeah, or you could levitate and warp metal with your mind!
M: Hmm.. no, I can't do that.
P: don't you have *any* superpowers? You can't fight vampires if you don't do anything.
M: Hmm.. well.. let me think.. I can gargle mouthwash and say the abc's backwards! (commenses gargling) Z..Y..X..uhh..W..(chockes on mouthwash) .. V.. .. (barely audible).. U..tt.. (hocks major lungage). Uhh.. I can also balance a pillow on my head (is seen balancing pillow until it can be thoroughly ascertained that this is not in fact a super power) see? yeah!!!
P: That's it? weak.
M: hmm.. well.. I have a large collection of dildos. French tickler, big johnson, assmaster 2000 (clicks it on, it makes silly machine noises and sputters)..
P: Eww..
M: This one is moulded after a british colonial soldier. (shows crabback dildo like toy) see?
P: You are shattering my frail childhood imagination.
M: No here, watch.. (begins to analy masterbate with the british colonial soldier dildo) Ooo..Oooo..oo..oo.. YES YES YES! Crabbacktastic! YES! YES! OOOoooo... (heavy breathing and muttering yes oh yes) So how's that for superpower?
P: You got it all wrong meaty. See I have a giant friend.(whistles) Here, Fish-Fish!
(fish-fish approaches yet is so huge, you can only see his head)
F: FISH.
M: Wow!
P: Yep, me and fish-fish race around, solving mysteries, what have you. Just yesterday we busted some girl scouts selling cookies without a licencse. (shot of girlscouts at front door to some generic suburban house, as they are just about to ring the bell, pip jumps out of a bush startling them, hey yells, "where's your license!" the girl scouts whip out knifes and guns, pip yells for fish-fish and they all fued (fish-fish snorts girls and shoots them out like darts))
M: Wow! That sounds exiting!
P: All in a day of an ordinary 12 year old boy. And his giant fish (wink) C'mon fish-fish. (Crawls up fish-fish, they ride off into the sunset, plays song like its the beginning of the pip and fish-fish show)
(afterwards back to borind old meaty show)
M: (blinks, nervous) .. well.. we have fun on this show too, uhhh... (looking for something fun) .. Ah geez, fuck it. It's just not meaty's day today. looks like I picked a bad day to quit snorting leperchauns (sad, crying snorts into one of his two nose holes, one leperchaun barters, "ill give you treasure!" as he's snorted. meaty's depression continues, one leperchaun is only stuck halfway and meaty slowly snorts him all the way eventually)
(meaty's anus opens to reveal Barry Mcbuttcancer)
B: Hello, young charlitan!
M: (snif snif) (hears faint barry, "hello young charlitan!" meaty looks all the way as though he is looking at his butt) Barry McButtcancer! (spleeny approaches but stays out of view just to watch meaty and barry and make critical thoughts) How the hell are you doing, old buddy?
B: Not to shabby, I felt you anally masterbating and thought I'd say hi. It's been a while.
M: It has been a while.
B: Yes.
M: Yes.
B: Rather.
M: (smiles, blinks)
B: So how is it going?
M: Not good. I lost my friend Sticky Mcstick.
B: I'm sorry to hear that meaty.
M: Yeah. Pretty sad. But it's good to see you.
B: Uh huh. It's good to see you too.
M: I'm at kind of a loss for words..
B: .. (thinks) (bing! idea!) hey. you remember that song we always used to sing?
M: Oh yeah
(Spleeny is watching them, eating popcorn from a nearby bush he thinks to himself: Man, that meaty is pretty crazy. Imagine a dude, talking to his butt! Still, I don't htink he should get involved, no it would be too risky.)
B&M: (are singing some gay kareoke song, maybe bruce springsteen) (tommy mctesticle pops in next to barry mcbuttcancer)
T: Hey, meaty.
M: Hey! It's tommy mctesticle. Hey tommy! You guys came to cheer me up.
T: That's right. nobody like a glum guss. So when are ya going to get laid? It's pretty years, man. I'm about to bust open at the seems.
M: Im waiting for the right person..
B: That's right. Meaty's a man of morals.
T: Fuck that. I'm going to explode! Why don't you just get a cheap whore, or better yet, start a rock band and then get a cheap whore. (shot of meaty singing for a hair metal band with a big buttrocker haircut and some chains and scarfs)
M: Well, Ill think about it.
(hot chick, veronica mcvulva walks by, but meaty and barry are too busy conversing (meaty asks if barry has read the new tom clancy novel, barry hasn't, meaty describes it as like all his other novels, you know, with guns and stuff, what have you. And a talking pie.) to notice, tommy notices and takes off unraveling and leaving a trail of little testicle fiber (like string) behind him. He approaches V. and hits the brakes)
T: (smooth) Hey, lady, wassashakin
V: Oh, (giggles)
T: (wiggles eyebrows) (deep)Oooo yeah.
(Tommy returns gallantly and hops into meaty's anus)
T: I can't talk know, I got you a hot date
M: Wha?
(cheasy love scene as mrsV approaches, she is accompanied by leperchaun cherubs. Meatys eyes turn into big hearts and he goes va va va voom)
V: (approaches) Hello, your little friend tells me your into walks on the beach, cuddling and you do your laundry weekly.
M: Huh? Err. I guess so.
(V smiles)
T: (As seen in space ship type interior ) This is it! All systems go! GO GO GO!
(meaty is smiling politely as a zip is heard, spleeny looks shocked and coughes out his popcorn. It is seen that meaty, unbeknownst to himself, has whipped out a fully prepared erection. Barry is shocked, "I'm outta here, man!" and once mrs.V's eyes wander down there she shrieks and runs off.)
M: heh err. call me!
( a leperchaun cherub flies down and smakcs meaty and gives him a lewd gesture, "That's fer snortin' me uncle, ya land lubbin meat ..thing)
T: (inside the space ship controller room) No time to abort! (computer voice: 3 seconds till self erupt three, two, one.) (SPlurt! a gaggle of sperm shoot out, while they are rising they are all, "weee!" but once their trajectory goes south and they are headed for the ground they start crying in terror, Splort again! as they hit the ground in a flajellomy bounce. Tommy in his space command area hits the rescind button and meatys schlong begins reeling in like a dump truck backing up)
M: Well, that's kind of like fun, kids. Ehh.. heh heh (sigh) hehhh.

M: ..Sticky..
<Batmanist transision .. Announcer type voice: Meanwhile in New Jersey>
<Camera pans past noisy intersection where people are having a tif, "Hey Im waylkin' here, assho." "Up yourz" " Oh yeah?" YEAH (Make flippiant gestures at each other) camera pans over to dilapitated suburban 1 story house. Inside house we see count mcchocolatte in a wifebeater drinkin beers with a kidnapped sticky mcstick.>
M: Mmm.. It is in the water. Let's see. What nefarious schemes am I up to today. (pulls out palm pilot which has display, torment stick, pick up dry cleaning.) Oh yes. . I can't forget to enter "Bite Meaty." My intended crowning moment of the day. .. Lets see.. B..i..t..How do you make an E again? I dont even know why I bought this thing. those salesman can be so pushy. What with there. In fact I think I'll kill them. Lets see.. K.. I.. L.. L.. yadda yadda there. (palm pilot shows Kell Salaminen). Yes. But for my latest act of gruesome cruelty. (approaches sticky, sets him up in a clockwork orangish in front of t.v. with cheap computer animated show of a childrens play on the road so kids keep getting run over but feign to continue. Sticky begins to sweat and scream while gagged.)
M: Yes.. HA! Mwahahahahahahahah! ha. (cough). ah. Yes.
(batmanish transition: meanwhile back at the park)
L: (Lungy runs up to meaty) MEAty! Meaty! (Pants) Huh huh huh. Forest. Time Travel. (pants) Talking.. PIE! (gasps)
M: Whoa there, lungy mcbutter. Relax. Catch your breath and then tell me all about it.
L: Thanks.. Huh huh huh huh huh hu huhuhuhuhuhuh (CU) huhhhhhh huhhh huhhhuhhuh. (gulp, spurts)
M: Now tell meaty all about it.
L Meaty! MEaty!
M: Yes..
L: I was wandering in the forest looking for free tickets to see winger like vinny mcventricle told us last night and I found a time machine and went back in time and met a talking pie and it was really cool!
M: (intruiged, making thoughtful eye gestures) A time machine?
L: Yeah, at first I thought it was a port o potty, but when I went to take a dump it started to react, like it was feeding off the gas, and the next thing I knew I was hopping around all sorts of times and places.
M: And you met a talking pie?
L: Ahhh.. it was awesome! (looks around like everything is boring now) .. What have you been up to?
M: Ohh.. not much. My best pal sticky mcstick got abducted by count mcchoculatte, and other than that just a bunch of shit.
L: Oh, im sorry to hear that.
M: yeah.. pretty sad.
L: (thinks) Hmmmm.... (gets idea) I've got it! We could go back in time, and steal Sticky Mcstick before the bad guys steal him.
M: I dunno. Wouldn't the bad guys just think of something else bad to do and otherwise have muck and all what have you.
L: No! That's not the right way to think meaty!! You've got to pull all your guts together and tie it with some packing twine. (heroic music is heard) You may be down, but you're not out! Not by a long shot. We may be weak, lame ass quitters, but these lame ass quitter just can't be held down. We're going to go all the way! You've got to do it, or you'll live with the doubt for the rest of your life. What if? I say, no more what ifs. BE it as it may, it's our time, and no matter what you think, no matter who you are, red, white, black, orange-yellow, or periwinkle, you've got to stand up for what you believe in. Now is the opportunity of a lifetime! Who's with me! (park animals who showed up to watch speech are all rAhh!! but meaty is sad)
M: ...
L: Meaty?
M: I think I just need some time alone. I'm going to go for a walk. (meaty hops off bench and slowly walks away)
L: (as meaty is walking away) M..M..meaty?
M: Yeah lungy?
L: So I guess this is goodbye.
M: Yeah. I guess so. I'll see you around.
L: (a tear develops)
M: While I'm moping about, let's go to these commercials. (sigh) (sarcastically) don't go away, we can't wait to see what other horrible crap will befall yours truly.

((commercial breaks))

(back from commercial)
(big arid overhead view of meaty walking lonely in the park, the camera swoops down, follows him in his solitude, he is seen as a sillouhette next to a river, worms eye view, he walks up and sees a stick. It resonates with him, and he picks it up and cries and chews on it as he cries a little bit.
M: At my darkest hour, I'm left to ponder my fate. Whatever will I do? (sigh..)
(Ralph is revelling in the victories of his success as a hot dog salesman as it has been a good day for him. He sells a bobdog to some kid. The kid responds happily, "thank you mister")
R: Yeah whatever kid. (smiles, snickers)
(as kid walks off meaty approaches.)
M: (seriously) I'd like to buy a hot dog.
R: Oh ok, misseur. Would you like some comdiments, mustard, pickles, (quietly).. roofies, crack and pcp (smiles, snickers).
M: No! Just a plain hot dog.
R: ok, ok. DMY. Here, That'll be a buck.
M: Ok, here, (hands money which has a deer as the president (buck)) recieves hotdog. Thanks.
R: Alright. Now get out of here before I get angry. You wouldn't like me when I get angry. (hints at aligator, opens just a little so angry aligator snout comes out.)
M: (leaving) Yeah, yeah
R: What was THAT?
M: Nothing (sigh) (Meaty approaches his chair and sits down.) He gazes at his hot dog. He peers out of the corner of his eye at ralph mcmutt, who is watching a fly intently. Ralph pulls a godzilla and spits a lightning bolt that kills the fly, who raises a white flag. Meaty launches the next line as though he wants ralph to hear it) Boy I sure am hungry. (Meaty then pretends to eat it with his back to ralph. He secretly sticks it into a bag. And continues his fake eating hoax, letting out a big burp and sounds of contentment. Carpenter joe approaches meaty who is shocked.) AHHH! (looks for an excuse) I mean AhhHI, Carpenter Joe. How's it going.
CJ: Not bad. Just dropped by to check up on my bench.
M: Oh . It's working great. See (does stupid little dance).
CJ: Well that's good.
M: Yeah. Thanks carpenter Joe.
CJ: It's no problem. Say meaty,
M: ..yes?
CJ: You know we have rules in this park. (points to sign which says among other things, no playing with food in park, violaters will be slaughtered!) No playing with food in the park.
M: Well that's great. (sweating, nervous) Because I wasn't planning on playing with food. No sir. Heh ehheheh!~
CJ: (points to his nose) Just a little word to the wise If you know what I mean.
M: Heh heh yeah... Ok, thanks carpenter joe. Heheheh. (smile)
CJ: Remember.. (CJ leaves in exact backwards of how he approached to continue ominous tone)
M: Yeahahh. I gotta get out of here. But before I take off, Meaty's got a special suprise for you. It's a short film! Enjoy.. (runs off)
(short film: xx?)
M: Welcome back. I'm broadcasting today from my cabin in the woods. (to camera) It's a little more private. (back to regular shot) I like to come here when I need time to relax. But I'd like to introduce you to my new friend. Harry McHotdog! (it is reavealed that sitting in a chair is the hotdog meaty purchased but with cartoon eyes and mouth a la sticky). Neat, huh? (walks up to harry) I just know we're going to be best friends forever. (To camera) And nobody from the park will meddle with our friendship. It's me and you pal, through and through. So whatcha want to do? (harry sits, lifeless. Meaty blinks contemplatively a couple times) what's that? (murmers through side of mouth) lets play hopscoth.. (returns to normal) brilliant idea harry! You're such a great friend.(shot of hotdog) Yeah!
(cheasy pans between two lovebirds)
M: Hold that thought, I have to go look for something in the closet. (Meaty walks to closet, opens it and begins looking for something on the floor. Some crap (a bowling ball, a board game (the bored game), a broom, and a pillow) fall onto meaty's head.) Owww! .. wait a sec, that's it! (kung fu montage of meaty with a pillow, saying, "ow" as stuff hits him in various locals, one is on a beach, in a dojo etc) I found my style! Moaning mantis! (a kung fu mantis comes up to meaty in his little dream)
Kung fu mantis: OHHH! Meaty! You .. Oh! Oh! You've mastered the moaning mantis style. Now you (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhOOOOOO) have my power. Ohhh.. (dumping noises). (clears throat)
M: Thank you master.
Kung fu mantis: The pleasure (Ohhhh..) (oh, yeah) .. is all mine (ohhhahahhahahh). (meaty gives kung fu mantis a quizzicle look) now.. ohhhh.. goOOOoo.. and do good.
M: Should I avenge my friend sticky?
Kung fu squirrel: Huh? Eh, whatever, kid.
M: Weren't you just a praying mantis?
Kung fu squirrel: What is this? 20 questions? Now get out of here, scram! Before I take my style back.
M: Yes, sir! (meaty jumps off into floaty dream exit, while kung fu squirrel kicks back with a stogey. after meaty exits, mantis pops up and squirrell and mantis share a laugh, mantis asks if there even is such a thing as "moaning mantis" and squirrell says "how the hell should I know? Im just a phone psychic, and mantis is all, "but then you should know." squirrel gets a bit perterbed and says, "why dont you just go shove it, steve." mantis replies, "just saying is all, mike." "That's right, and I'm saying SHOVE IT!" "I don't like it when you get angry, mike." SHOVE IT. What part of SHOVE IT dont you understand" (mantis is silent, decides, "I'm going to go buy a sponge." squirrel is still vindictive and retorts, "Why dont you pick up some SHOVE IT on the way to the store, and use it to SHOVE IT." Mantis is all, "that's it. I'm out of here.", "dial 1800-shoveit!" , mantis opens door with a sponge, launches into sobby, "You've changed man, you used to be about the music." squirrel retorts, "how about this for a song? SHOVE IT." mantis starts to cry, squirrel perterbed replies, "Just go ahead and cry. See if I care!" Mantis runs off.
M: (awakens on the floor of the closet.) That's it! My style! I must go train! (cue: rocky theme. Meaty is training (by huffing and moaning) in front of t.v. , hotdog is watching. meaty continues training, doing various stretching exersizes, reading pornography, submerging his head in water-repeatedly-until he starts to hallucinate at first he sees squirrel and mantis argueing, then he sees jubba libba saying his trademark, "greetings, fellow earthlings.(nasal laughter)" he comes up for air) (panting) Geez, I must have been hallucinating.. talking meat, that's just crazy. (meaty walks over to t.v. and sits down next to hotdog) Whatcha watching, the news? (news reporter is seen delivering emergency message)
Reporter in t.v.: Breaking news, the forest has become overrun with zombies, stay indoors at all costs. I repeat, this in an emergency, do not go outside. Not even for your own mother, because sbe is a ZOMBIE! OH the humanity! (collapes and cries).
M: It's a good thing we're safe in my cabin, harry. (cu of lifeless hotdog reveals that he is in fact hairy from neglect, later on, he even grows a beard. Moaning noises are heard from outside, banging on walls, which somewhat scares meaty as he crouches close to harry.)
M: I'm scared harry (shot of lifeless harry, as I find this immensily entertaining, the comedy between inatimate and animated characters in an animated cartoon.)
zombie begin clammoring, knocking on windows, etc.
M: Looks like we're in for a long night, harry.
(muffled noise heard through door, mmeatyy.. meatttyyy...)
M: (Looks around). Hmm.. I didn't think zombies could talk. Somebody must be at the door. (goes up to door, looks in peephole) Who is it?
L: Meaty! Help! It's me, lungy mcbutter!
M: Lungy! Hold on! (unlocks door, looks around) Hmm.. (hides a picture of Waffildy Uggifuso displaying on an endtable) there.. (returns, opens door, lungy lurches in panting)
L: (pants) Thanks, I was meandering out in the woods when a bunch of zombies came and I remembered your cabin, so I ran out here as fast as I could.
M: Yes. I heard about it on the news. Pretty fascinating.
L: Yes. (looks around) So what have you been up to?
M: Not much. Hanging out. I found my style.
L: You found a style, huh?
M: Yep. Moaning mantis. Hwaaaa! (does some exersizes, meanwhile zombies have made a hole and are looting around meaty's pad. They take away harry mchotdog)
L: Wow. (snorts) I wish I could find something interesting like that. I walked around all day and all I could find was a half eaten candy cane. (shot of dirty candy cane, which comes to life to say, "killl me... please.. for the love of god..")
M: Yes. I have been blessed, so to speak. But I must only use my powers for good.
L: like avenging your lost best friend and statesman, sticky mcstick.
M: Who?
L: You know.. (pause) sticky mcstick.
M: Him haha, no, he's old news. I got a new friend, harry mchotdog.
L: Oh..er, whatever. So where is he?
M: He was just around here (shot of zombies carrying harry off, half eating him) Oh shit. not again.
(zombies outside are carrying harry and half eating him.)
zombie 1: mm.. have you tried this hotdog? His pallete is scrumptious!
zombie 2: Yes. it's to die for. I haven't had a meal this greasy since that grease truck crashed into a strip club. (grease truck crashes into strip club convienently located in front of elated zombies, half fried strippers fall out and die in front of zombies.)
zombie 1: dude, score!
zombie 2: bitchin'
(back in meaty's cabin)
M: I can't believe that. Two friends abducted in the same day.
L: Hold on, meaty! I know somebody who could help save your new friend.
M: Eh?
L: You remember, harry mchotdog? Just got takes away by some gourmet zombies?
M: What. Oh yeah.
L: Yeah, we could travel back in time and find the talking pie. He knows everything.
M: Oh really? How convienent.
L: Yes.
M: And then vengence will be mine! Uhh err.. the good kind of vengance, that is.
L: (blinks)
M: To the meatmobile!
L: Uhh.. we had some budget cuts.
M: No meatmobile?
L: Well.. the best we could do was a shopping cart. (outdoors in front of the meatmobile) I think it's still got some kind of security device attached to it. (makes annoying beeping noises)
M: In this pressing time of crisis, It'll have to do.
L: (snorts kind of sarcastically)
M: WHat?
L: Huh? Nothing.
M: What is it?
L: Who writes your dialouge, man? Pshh.. its ridiculous, (mocking meaty) In a time of crisis, it'll have to do. That's like .. freaking.. batman or something.
M: Look, are you going to stand around and critique my eloquence, or general lack therof, or are we going to go stop the zombies?
L: (squints) .. (thinking) critique your eloquence. Nobody says that stuff anymore, meaty. What'd'they keep you locked up in a cooler for a century?
M: (not amused).. look are we going to do this thing or stand around like some saucy .. applesauce.. people.. with glasses.
L: Whatever, lets just go.
(cheasy effect as they "magically" hop into shopping cart which has a random alarm that goes off every once in a while)
M: (riding triumphiantly into the night) To infinity, and a little bit further.
(the shopping cart ambles on for a bit until it runs in with zombies who have formed themselves into a blockade of the street)
L: Uhoh, meaty, looks like we've got some company.
M: Right. It's time to take out the trash. (Meaty hops out and looks fearlessly at the zombies. He summons up his moaning mantis style and begins moaning and cooing, while doing little gyrations to help the moan. The zombies are confused and in zombie talks ask what the heck is that guy doing. another zombie says, "forget about him, I found some porno mags!" the zombies walk away and meaty is left thinking his style took them out.
L: That's a pretty neat style.
M: Thank you.
L: What's it called?
M: Moaning mantis.
L: Hmm.. well, it did the trick.
M: Sure did. and off we go!
(Meaty and lungy continue their slow quest in the shopping cart. ..)
M: Say, why don't we sing a song to pass the time.
L: That sounds like a great idea.
M: (launches into extra cheesy version of kumbaya, to lungies dismay. after a bit they run into the time travel portapotty) well, it looks like we're here.
L: THANK GOD.
M: what was that?
L: I was just.. (nervous) .. uhh.. um.. saying thanks to god, alla, for bringing us here safely.
M: Oh. very well, then.
(meaty and lungy magically (with sound effects) get out of shopping cart the way they got in just backwards)
M: Well, we're here. So.. how does this work?
L: Here.. (opens door, to glory hallelujuia chorus, revealing golden portopotty.) Now how does this work?
M: I don't know, you were the one who did it.
L: I know. I was just asking myself how it worked..
M: And I just told you were the one who did it.
L: I was just asking myself how it worked to help me remember.
M: Oh! Sorry, my bad.
L: It's ok. Now.. how did this work?
M: (Suppresses self)
L: Ah I remember now (flashback: lungy is searching around the woods) <voice over> I was poking around the woods for o-town tickets, or whatever I could find .. when I ran across this portopotty, but it was no ordinary crapper, because when I let one slip (lungy is seen in portopotty letting out noxious gasses, he's seen bumping the lever which accually made the time machine work) it fed off the gas and before you knew it I was transporting through time.
M: Ok. Then we just need to follow what you did and.. (meaty lets one slip).. hmm.. (they both fart) snif snif .. eggs! and habanero sauce... (they fart for a while. Meaty spots time lever) .. say, I think I found out how this thing really works..
L: Really? How?
M: Like this. (farts on time lever.. nothing happens)
L: Maybe we should just pull it.
M: Hold on.. (farts some more)
L: Yeah I think we just need to..
M: (farts) Juicy!
L: Here.. (throws switch which sends time machine off whrling and zapping through time.)
L&M: AHHHH! (they are spiraling through time spoof which flashes various clip art in a spiral)
L: I'm scared, meaty.
M: Me too, lungy, me too.
L: Hold me.
M: Uhh, you mean right now?
L: (whimpering)
M: (looks to camera, unsure) (pats lungy) .. there there.. now.. it's not that bad.
(basket ball player pops up in the time montage giving an evil laughter which extreemly frightens both meaty and lungy)
M&L: AHHHHHHH!
M: He's .. holding .. a.. basketball!
L: dear god make it stop!
(on que it stops and they are left in silence, meaty and lungy are shivering, holding each other. once they realize it they stop)
M: Well, it looks like we're here.. whever it is.. (farts).. snif snif.. I dont remember having saucauges.. hmm.. interesting..
(the portodoor opens, meaty and lungy cautiously step out. forest has become very lush and dense)
M: Where are we?
L: Hmm.. it could be the past.. or the future.. but whever it is, it definetly looks peaceful.
M: Looks like you spoke too soon.. look out!
(Giant dino-bunny comes from behind forest and rawrs)
L: Lets' get outta here!
(Meaty and lungy race off and bunnysaur chases closely. They run into a dark cave)
M: I think we'll be safe in here.
L: Here.. Ill light a match.
M: Wait! (lets one slip) .. sorry, must be something I ate.
L: .. now can I light a match.
M: Yeah, go ahead. no wait (fart) sorry.. (pause)
L: (lights match, they look around while behind them, creeping closer is karl the talking pie. Eventually they look around and are shocked) AHhh! Don't do that?
K: Do what?
L: Creep up on us like that! I could have had a heart attack. No offence, meaty.
M: None taken.
K: I am Karl, the all knowning all seeing talking pie. You have come from the future.. yes.. you have a quesiton for me.
M: Yeah. I was always wondering a mama bunny and a papa bunny made baby bunnies.
K: Mental telepathy.
M: Wow!
L: (rolls eyes) That's not the real reason we're here..
K: I know, as I said earlier, I am karl, the all knowing all seeing talking pie. You have come to me with a problem. It is.. a friend.. he has been.. kidnapped.
M: Yeah! Wow, you're good? Do you know kreskin?
K: I don't associate with those types.
L: (to meaty) .. they're small peanuts to Karl here.
K: That is correct.
M: Wow. fascinating.
K: I know. Now, about your predicament. Look to the jade monkey while he is in sync with a blue moon.
M: Uhh.. excuse me?
L: It's a riddle, meaty.
M: Well that's fine and dandy if your some kind of mensa freak, but I'm meaty. I'm not exactly made out of brain tissue. You'll have to dumb it down a shade.
K: If it must be so. I will go with you, through time, to help you vanquish your foes.
M: come again?
L: He says he'll help us fight the zombies.
M: Bitchin'!
L: nautical!
L: So what's the big plan then Karl?
K: Oh you'll see. You'll see.
L: That's it? No hints?
K: You'll just see.
M: Well then. So it's off to the time machine?
K: YOULL SEE!
M: (to lungy after they are leaving) Gezz, what a killjoy.
K: (as he's walking he thinks to himself) Why do they always think I'm such a killjoy? It's not easy being an all knowing all seeing pie. Ahh! Mrs. fontlerory is taking a bath (quick scene of grandma in bath, farts).. (shudder)
(camera trails to meaty)
M: (thinking) I sure could go for some peanut butter right now. That'd be nice. ooo.. some nice, gooey.. sticky goodness.
(camera trails to lunngy)
L: (thinking) your a grand old (burp) your a high flying (burp) (burrrrrp) (burp burp splort) Uh oh .. did I just think that or did it accually happen (looks down) uh oh. (out loud to the other two) Uhh, sorry I've been sick. (thinking) That'll fool them, and then they'll never know my hideous secret (pie is looking at him) Shit! Except for an all seeing all knowing pie! oh well. what would a pie care about my little mind games
K: (suprisingly) A lot more that you'd think!
M: (eyes dart back and forth) Huh? What's going on?
L: (nervous) Ehh heh heh, nothing! heh heh.. (sigh)
(the three stooges arrive on the portopotty, they all squeeze inside as the door closes with a woosh noise)
M: So where are we off to? (pause, meaty and lungy look at karl)
K: What? Oh is it my call? Right then. To the 1840's when cowboys rules this park.
L: Don't you mean the 1820's
K: (pause) yes, it um, whatever.
(they throw switch and ahhh! as they go through another time warp, near the end they are all frightened with a sacry montage of basketball players cavorts aroundn them in a scary thing_)
L: The wild west! (they jump out of door and hop around exitedly, after joke is thoroughly played out they sigh) yeah. (fade to black) (fade in: meaty lungy and karl are walking down the main street, cowboys are hooting and shooting guns)
M: (to karl) Is something big about to happen?
K: What makes you say that?
M: My spider sence is tingling (a spider is seen biting meaty in the back with eerie sounds. The three amigos arrive in front of "ye olde bar". A man gets thrown out and it is heard, "And stay out you no good freeloader!" The man coughs up a turtle after he lands and asks the three stooges, "could you spare a nickle? I'm gunna gets me an operation!" the three dorks ignore him and enter the bar)
M: (to karl) So what are we doing here.
K: Just scope the place out, I've got some unfinished buisness to take care of. (meaty and lungy walk off, approach bar)
M: (to bartender) I'll have a shot of milk.
L: (snort) I'll have a double.. shot of milk.
Bartender: (looks somber, then cracks) Okey dokey! (meaty takes a shot, leaving a milk mustache. a man sitting at the bar next to meaty looks over)
Man: We don't get many of your kind around here..
M: Oh yeah? heh heh heh.. we're .. Uhh.. we're.. uhh.. jehovas witnesses (lungy who was blowing snot bubble suddenly bursts)
Man: Jeho-va's .. witness..ess?
L: (looks nervous) Uhh.. yeah.. we're from.. pennselvania (everyone in the bar stops and looks shocked)
Man: You better watch the potty mouth there, son.. them's fightin' woids.
M: Uhh.. heh heh.. sorry.. won't happen again.. promise.
(on the other end of the bar, karl is at the front of the theatre where a chick is doing the can can to some ripping scott joplinish tune)
K: (thinking) this is the life.. things are so much simpler here, no computer chips, no telephones, no designer drugs, yes, this is the life.. wait.. did I already think that? Geez, well.. it's true. Ahhh.. I could spend an eternity here.. (looks over to meaty and lungy sitting at bar) but the best part is. . no firsking boy bands (song finishes and boy band comes out and does stupid boy band thing) that's it.. the parties over. (takes off. Karl approaches meaty and lungy)
M: Hey, it's karl! Let me introduce you to my new friend.. uhh.. what was your name?
Man: My name is Josiah Jebidiah Jo jo Jeremia Uhh.. josiah.. hodgkins the third. josiah.
K: It's an honor to meet you.
Man: Huh? Oh yeah. the pleasure's all mine.
K: (to meaty and karl) We'll we better get going.. uhh.. something about a fly.. hmm..
M: (looks to lungy) Oh! Ok. Well, I'll see you all around. (the whole bar responds, Bye Meaty! they walk off to black. fade in to a long pan of meaty, lungy and karl riding horses, a long shot reveals that they are just on kiddie rides)
M: So karl, uhh.. what exactly are we doing here anyway?
K: We're riding fake horses.
M: I know that but I mean, you know, what are we doing .. to continue with the plot.. whatever the plot was.. you know..
L: Yeah (snort) .. it's like we're just meandering around for a bunch of meaningless gags and what have you.
K: (thinking) Shazbucket! they know too much. I think it's time I took 'em out.) (outloud) I think I saw some free tickets to O-town over by the through.
M: The what?
K: (sigh) The long horse feeding bucket thingie!
L: (shocked) FREE TICKETS TO SEE O-TOWN! (Meaty and lungy run off singing "we're gunna see o-town." when they get to the trough, they look around.)
M: Where are the tickets? For an all knowing all seeing pie, that karl kind of sucks.
L: Wait.. here.. I found a note. "See you later, suckerz?" Suckerz? It's spelled with a z. lets see, sucker - z. Z? I wonder if this means something. (karl jumps from behind convienently located bush)
K: No, you dork! I'm goth now, but that doesn't have anything to do with not liking you guys, you guys are a bunch of lame dorks. I'm out of here (walks off, slowly, with appropriate goth stuff, like the nasal earlobe chain and black lipsick.)
M: What kind of person calls people lame dorks?
L: I don't know? Carry grant?
M: I meant it like an insult.
L: Oh (blink) Yeah. What a tool.
(quick transition to back to park)
M: Well, I learned something today. (filler). And set your sights low. Aimmmm low.
That way other people won't bug you. See my new friend here, waddy mcbigwadofducttape, he's just trash. (someone steals him) Son of a b-
(spleeny walks up)
S: Hey, meaty
M: Oh hey, spleeny. Spleeny mcspleen folks. What's the good word?
S: (looks somber)
M: Spleeny?
S: Meaty, (ghosty apperance of carpenter joe along with the two) I AM YOUR CARPENTER
M: Noooo! (long zoom out, fade to sky)
(the end)
(credits)
someone to someone else: I do it for sentimental value